1. 8 months ago 

   i’m a coyote with a song stuck in my head

   i’m back.

   it’s stupid to be back writing on this space so soon. look at the previous posts, they were months apart. must mean things aren’t going so well for me. it’s sickening. i’m literally just sick of myself. i feel like i just want to take a serrated knife, skin myself and let someone dig in, find my soul (if there is one), take it out and just throw it into another body. seriously.

   no, i’m not psychopathic or suicidal. I’ve just gotten to the point where i sit here, looking at myself and all i  see is a pathetic, little-minded pushover staring back. it’s crazy, it’s unnecessary analogy but it’s true. had enough of being Mr Nice Guy. had enough of being pushed around, toyed with and chewed up only to be spit back out. and then to have this vicious cycle repeat again like an annoying song that’s stuck in your head. no matter how hard you tell yourself no, don’t hum to that song again, not THAT song again..anything but that again, what do you do? you hum that stupid little tune over and over and over again. you don’t know why you can’t stop or why it was there in the first place. you just know it’s annoying the hell out of you, and nothing you do can stop it.

   that’s my life right now. an annoying song stuck in your head. it’s a disgusting feeling. 

   it’s happening again. i feel like i’m being toyed with. i feel like i’m being lead on to a brick wall moving at full speed with my brake lines cut. i can’t stop. couldn’t stop and i hit that wall face first with all the might of the creature leading me on to that wall. it’s an amazing sight to see. like nothing you have - or will ever - see in your life. 

   and i blame myself for being lead on to this wall without hesitation, without resistance, without thought that there might be another wall ahead if i follow this creature into the abyss. i just do it, hoping that i will be lead to the promised land of honey and milk. food spread as far as the eyes can see. well, it seems that my promised land is once again just a painting on a wall meant to trick me. like the ones you see in those old cartoons when the road runner tricks wile e. coyote into a cave wall the roadrunner painted to look like an entrance. that gag has probably been done dozens, if not, hundreds of times but that coyote still runs into them anyways. 

   i’m just like that coyote. i have ran into those painted walls before. and i continue to do so, probably even more in the future. maybe you’ve wondered this yourselves when you were young and you watched that dumbass dog run into those wallls so many times..”why do you do that? are you stupid? you must know it’s just a wall by now…” maybe i can help the coyote answer. maybe me and him have the same answer. we continue to chase that roadrunner and run into those walls maybe because one day, just one day, it might really turn out to be an entrance and not just a wall a crafty roadrunner painted. maybe one day if we do go through that cave, we might catch what we were chasing all along.

   for the coyote, it’s the roadrunner.

   for me, well…you should know by now.

2. Notes

what?
never seen a fat guy blog before?

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